


Jealousy

by Cold_Breeze



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, a lot of thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 05:01:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20129764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Breeze/pseuds/Cold_Breeze
Summary: Light Hyungkyun story or what's going on inside Changkyun's mind.





	Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> 𝒜 𝓁𝒾𝓉𝓉𝓁𝑒 𝒿𝑒𝒶𝓁𝑜𝓊𝓈𝓎  
𝒩𝒶𝑒𝑔𝒶 𝒶𝓃𝒾𝓃
> 
> Okaay, I wrote it in one breath and I do realize I used only Changkyun said this Hyungwon said that but no matter how many times I thought about it, it made perfect sense to me. You can say that's the flow I was going for :D 
> 
> As usual, sorry for my English...I try, I really do but yeah...
> 
> I hope some of you enjoy it.
> 
> Thanks for your time~

Changkyun was slumped in a chair in the backyard of their dormitory. He has been staring dully at a spot immediately at a foot of Kihyun’s, hardly moving except to brush his dark hair away from his forehead in a fitful, repetitive motion. It was a Saturday’s afternoon, all seven of them had a weekend off. The weather was alright, it was not surprising they decided to have a BBQ.

Changkyun’s gaze started to wander from face to face. Kihyun was nagging Jooheon, who apparently doesn’t have the slightest idea how to cut bell peppers. He felt sorry for Jooheon who looked like he was on the edge. Minhyuk was on the phone while Shownu was sitting at the table, nervously shaking his left leg, his eyes focused on food. And then there were Hoseok and Hyungwon, they have been whispering something to each other for a while now. After their intimate chitchat was over Hyungwon moved towards the grill. As soon as he saw Jooheon putting pepper on it his face visibly grimaced. 

Changkyun could hear him raising his voice and blame Kihyun:

-Kihyun, you can’t be serious. You know I hate peppers. Did you get corn or something?

-Excuse me, Mr. I don’t eat this and that, you are not the only one here. There are zucchini and eggplant as well.

Hyungwon gagged, “Eggplants ugh,” as he turned on his heel and went to sit down next to Changkyun.

They were silent for minutes but Changkyun thought of them like an eternity. He slightly moved his head to face Hyungwon, he was biting his lower lip, head pulled back. He copied him. He was staring at the gray sky, clouds moving fast. He had a problem, and it was sitting right next to him. He didn’t know how he allowed it to turn into this, but it was already too late. He thought he must be a complete idiot.

The first time he met Hyungwon he didn’t think anything of him. No, maybe and most probably Changkyun thought he was handsome, he liked Hyungwon’s looks since forever but he couldn’t remember for sure. The circumstances under they met were stressful. He couldn’t remember a thought striking his mind seeing him for the first time but he remembered Hyungwon despised him back then. He didn’t hide his true feelings, showed how unwanted Changkyun was. He feels nothing remembering it right now, but back than Hyungwon’s glares made his heart beat irregularly.

After they became part of the group, he slowly but steadily started to open his heart to maknae. It didn’t take Changkyun long to understand that Hyungwon had a soft spot for the youngsters. He could tell by the way he treated Jooheon and himself. Sometimes his heart would skip a beat but he didn’t think anything of it.

Later on, he found out Hyungwon had a girlfriend. He didn’t understand how it never came up in their conversations. The absurd thing about it is that he found out about it not from Hyungwon himself but from Shownu and Minhyuk who were gossiping behind his back. To say Changkyun was shocked when he heard they had been together for more than three years by that time would be an understatement. He never brought it up in conversations, but he was secretly bitter. He was bitter Hyungwon didn’t trust him enough. But when a couple of months later he personally introduced her to him he didn’t feel the way he thought he would. He liked the girl, she was pretty and calm and he saw it in her eyes, the way she looked at Hyungwon. It was love. He wanted to be happy for them, he wanted to enjoy the fact Hyungwon trusted him enough to introduce his special someone but he couldn’t. He couldn’t find a specific word the way he felt, there was one on the tip of his tongue but he was afraid not only to admit it but even to think about it.

When half a year later Hyungwon informed Changkyun they broke up, Changkyun was terrified. He didn’t feel sorry for his bandmate and friend at this point, he didn’t feel sorry that his four years relationship ended. He didn’t feel sorry but relieved. At that moment he realized, he had feelings for Hyungwon. He never wanted to admit it, but as his ugly emotions started to surface it was already too late, he had to come to terms with them.

Nevertheless, the way he handled it was even uglier. There were many options to deal with the situation, but he picked the worst one. Not long after Changkyun realized he was in love with Hyungwon he started dating, it wouldn’t be a lie to say he chose her because she was the first one that came on his way. He hated her, but the way Changkyun hated himself was even worse. He wanted to forget him but instead, his feelings only grew. If he didn’t show much interest towards the girl from the very beginning, now he was openly cold towards her. They broke up after seven months. After some time, Changkyun realized she must have been a masochist.

His feelings towards Hyungwon were never a real problem in terms of work. He could make a clear cut between them. Unless…unless they were shooting shows, he was extremely anxious he might be caught at a wrong time. All of the members had a poker face to some degree; Changkyun was in the first rows but it never helped much when it came to Hyungwon. He disliked this part of himself. But then he found himself at the peak of his obnoxious feelings that made him hate himself even more.

After some time he realized Changkyun was jealous, jealous of Hoseok. He was jealous of their relationship. Sometimes he was telling himself Hoseok was also in love with Hyungwon. He never knew he was so petty, but he couldn’t do anything to make these feelings go away.  
He never intended to catch feelings for his bandmate. He wasn’t planning on falling in love, but his heart went ahead and put him in both misery and happiness. Hyungwon made him feel all types of ways. He never wanted to be so madly in love with him but the universe had different plans. Changkyun was positive his love is unrequited. And the way Hoseok looked at Hyungwon alarmed him. They have been close since the beginning. He knew Hoseok had no gender preferences when it came to love and since he was watching Hyungwon closely for years now, he knew Hoseok was special. There was something about them.  
Changkyun bit his lip hard while contemplating; he has been extremely envious of them. What kind of feeling will he hold if he finds out both of them date?! The thought made Changkyun wince with pain. He bit his lip even harder. He didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to think about what kind of dark place his mind can become. He was afraid.

He was immersed in his thoughts; he didn’t realize someone was dead staring at him. He slowly turned his head to the left; Hyungwon was looking at him, smiling.

-What were you thinking about?

-…

Changkyun was trying to find the right words, he slightly opened his mouth, inhaling but before he could say anything Hyungwon gets on his feet, now standing in front of himself, leaning closer, intently looking into his eyes.

-“You know, whenever you are deep in your thoughts your eyes…”, he bits his lip slowly “your eyes change. They can get darker or sometimes they start glinting. I bet it depends on what you’re thinking about”, Hyungwon says seriously. With a smile on his face, he says ”It is very attractive.”

Changkyun deadpan stares at Hyungwon’s face, his smile and compliments make him greedy; he really wants to kiss him right now. But before he manages to shake the thought away, Hyungwon grabs him by the wrist:

-Let’s go, the food is ready.

Hyungwon doesn’t let go until they sit next to each other at the table.

Kihyun did Hyungwon dirty. He knew how picky he is considering his vegetables, but still put everything he disliked on his plate. Hyungwon was unhappy. He was sitting between two rappers. Changkyun was waiting for Hyungwon to take action. He saw the guy mulling his options. And after a minute or so Changkyun saw Hyungwon putting his veggies on his plate, without sparing him a single look.

When he was done, he turned to look at Changkyun.

-“Jooheon doesn’t like eggplants, and you know I hate them as well,” he smiled.

Changkyun wanted to answer but decided not to. He silently picked his chopsticks and concentrated on his food.

Later that night Shownu decided to have a couple of beers, eventually, everyone joined in.

Again, he was sitting in the same chair watching Hyungwon. He was talking to Jooheon. He could tell Jooheon was pouring his heart out, eyes wide open, his voice more loud than usual and the most important he was articulating with his hands. He never did it unless the topic was dear to his heart. Hyungwon was slouched over, his legs crossed and left hand supporting his chin, he was attentively listening, commenting something from time to time.

Changkyun was openly staring at them for at least ten minutes when he got caught. At some point, Hyungwon turned to look straight at Changkyun. He was keeping eye contact for a while until he smiled and winked with both of his eyes at Changkyun. Involuntarily and completely opposite to his own feelings Changkyun frowned which made Hyungwon laugh out loud as he turned his attention back to Jooheon.

Changkyun decided to make his next target - Hoseok. The guy was talking to Shownu and Kihyun. Changkyun didn’t know what they were talking about but it seemed serious. Somehow it made him laugh. He was observing Hoseok’s serious face, his eyebrows meeting each other. It was obvious he didn’t like what he was told. Now that he was staring at Hoseok he remembered what made him upset earlier in the day. Unfortunately, the memory of him and Hyungwon talking intimately popped up and a mix of disappointment and jealousy in a pair with it came back. He really didn’t want to admit it but he tried to lead a healthy and honest relationship with his inner self. Yes. He was jealous of Hoseok. The most important thing, he wasn’t jealous of their skinship, well ok, he was but his rational mind understood it was natural. Maybe, he was more annoyed than jealous seeing these things. What made Changkyun jealous wasn’t Hyungwon’s attention towards Hoseok but the other way around. He couldn’t stand how bluntly and thoughtfully he could portray his feelings on and off the camera. Most probably the first time it crossed his mind was when Hyungwon was hospitalized during their world tour. He watched one of the videos from that time and saw Hoseok making a tape to Hyungwon. He wasn’t sure if it was supposed to be released but it was anyway. Back then he was wondering how he is able to say such things without feeling weird. Changkyun was sure he would sound ridiculous; moreover, he could just imagine Hyungwon’s hysterical laughter seeing this kind of stuff from himself. It was only the beginning though, he started to realize Hoseok had no problem showing his affection on camera: saying cheesy things, doing questionable things but the last drop was him not hiding his feelings of sadness or disappointment when Hyungwon was absent. Changkyun could feel his heart drop when Hyungwon couldn’t attend one of the latest shows; his muscles gave away and needed some rest. But then he could see himself, next to Hoseok who had a worried expression, looking perfectly fine. Changkyun didn’t think he was heartless, he was worried sick when Hyungwon was wincing in pain but whenever it came to work he knew how to lock his feelings and concentrate purely on what he is supposed to. Looking at Hoseok though made him feel bad and jealous and incomplete. Hoseok without knowing himself was degrading and belittling Changkyun’s feelings. Well, at least that’s what Changkyun thought himself.

Changkyun was taken aback for a second time when he saw Hoseok looking straight at him, having a questionable mark written all over his face. Changkyun shook his head and took his phone out. He decided to stop staring for the day. He was in the middle of aimlessly going through his apps when someone stood in front of him, putting a bottle of beer in front of his face. It was Hyungwon wordlessly giving the bottle and sitting next to him, this time on the right side. He quickly crossed his legs and half turned to Changkyun.

-“You’ve been looking the whole day, hardly saying anything. Is everything alright?” Hyungwon asks, his voice calm.

-“Yeah, don’t worry. You look really good today, couldn’t take my eyes off of you.” Changkyun says snickering.

Hyungwon’s eyes get wider and he slightly turns away, covering his mouth.

-“I didn’t know you would be so honest,” he says shyly.

Changkyun chokes on his beer. 

-What? Did you believe it? 

-“Did you lie then?” Hyungwon asks disappointed. 

-“No, no sorry. Forget what I said just now.”

Hyungwon doesn’t reply but smiles.

Again, the idea of wanting to kiss him appears again. He has to fight it. During these moments he regrets he caught his feeling for Hyungwon. He came to the conclusion if he doesn’t do anything about it he might as well lose his mind. 

Changkyun watches Hyungwon finish his drink. His profile face is hard to resist so in order to keep himself from the trouble he decides to grab another drink. By the time he comes back, Hyungwon is dozing off on the chair. 

-Oi, you should go to bed if you want to sleep. 

Hyungwon opens his eyes lazily and yawns. 

-I didn’t plan to. It’s all beer’s fault, it makes me even more sleepy than usual.

-Yeah, you should go back in.

-Are you coming with me?

-I will finish it first.

He peeks at Hyungwon who is looking at a now starry sky. He shivered from cold and then turned to look at Changkyun giving a small smile.

-I’ll wait for you then.

-You don’t hav…

-I just want to stay with you. Do you want me to leave you alone?

-No, stay.

Hyungwon extended his hand to tousle Changkyun’s hair up and then leaving his hand on his shoulder while leaning back at the chair covering his eyes with his right arm. Changkyun could hear himself gulp. “He is playing unfair,” he thought to himself. After finishing his drink in silence he intended to stand up but Hyungwon pressed on his shoulder making Changkyun stop doing whatever he intended to. He turned to look at Hyungwon who was still hiding behind his hand.

-“Anything’s up, Hyungwon?” Changkyun aksed unsurely.

Hyugnwon started to slowly move his fingers on Changkyun’s shoulder.

-Is there something you want to tell me?

-What do you mean?

-I don’t know Changkyun, just curious.

Changkyun thought for a second, he wasn’t sure what the other guy wanted him to confess. “Confess!” stroke his mind, but left as soon as appeared. He knew it couldn’t be it.

“Since when did I turn into a pussy?!” Changkyun thought to himself while standing up and tugging Hyungwon up.

-“I don’t know what you’re talking about but if there is something on your mind, be my guest,” said Changkyun looking up at Hyungwon, tilting his head a little to the right.

Hyungwon bit his nail as he watched Changkyun holding his other hand. 

-You know…

Kihyun poked his head through the door.

-Guys, it’s late, come inside.

Changkyun could see Hyungwon jerking and turning his head towards Kihyun’s direction, tightening Changkyun’s hand.

-“Yeah, we are coming,” he yelled.

-“Let’s go,” said Hyungwon smiling quickly and tugging his hand towards the house.

Changkyun didn’t move.

-“What did you want to say? Is it something important?” Changkyun became more nervous with every passing second.

Hyungwon let his hand go to turn to look straight to Changkyun closely, he moved to his right ear whispering “Curious?” as he turned away and headed towards home laughing.

-“What the heck, Hyungwon,” Changkyun protested. 

-“It is alright, I can wait,” said Hyungwon to himself.

That night Changkyun was lying on his bed thinking that Hyungwon looks gay. Honestly, all seven of them look pretty gay. Changkyun found it almost gross how touchy Minhyuk was with everyone. Sometimes he wishes he would stop. Even older members started to do questionable things after getting comfortable. Changkyun thought it was only natural Hyungwon would pick these habits. The only thing is that his heartbeat was still irregular, even an hour later after their interaction. He thought of silly things Hyungwon did during that day when Hoseok popped up in his mind. He sighed and rolled over, that was the last thing he wanted to think about. 

All of them were busy for the next couple of weeks. Changkyun and Jooheon were working on a new single while Hyungwon was working on his solo, Kihyun on an OST Changkyun lost track of. 

It was Thursday evening when he heard Hyungwon smashing the door wide open while he was sitting in the living room, watching a drama he couldn’t care less about but it was a good way to ease his mind. He poked his head out of the room to see Hyungwon violently taking his shoes off.

-Hyungwon-ah

Hyungwon raised his head, smiling sheepishly.

-“Changkyun, baby” He said calmly.

-Are you drunk or something? What happened?

Hyungwon groaned.

-“We kind of went out with dancers and you know Jun and Jiyong like to party so uhh here I am.”He said as he walked over to Changkyun, drooping his shoulders to his height, smirking.

-What did you do before? Watching dramas? Come, sit with me for a while.

Hyungwon was lying on Changkyun’s lap, sleeping.

“Why did he even want to watch TV if he fell asleep the moment he landed on the couch,” he thought. Changkyun was playing with his hair, lightly brushing it off Hyungwon’s face. He bit his lip hard to restrain himself from crossing the line. 

He really started to find it bothersome. Maybe he should just confess and let it all go. Something was off though. There was a slight change in Hyungwon. He couldn’t decipher it.

The next proper weekend off they had was a month later. Hyungwon was sleeping the whole day. Everyone was out. Changkyun was done with shopping so he came back earlier than everyone else, the house was completely still. He decided to check on sleeping beauty. Weirdly enough he wasn’t in his bed. He looked around the rooms to finally find him in the backyard. It was weird because it was raining. Changkyun was watching him for a minute: Hyungwon was standing under an open sky, gaze fixated on the ground, shoulders droopy.

-“Hey, are you ok?” Changkyun asks louder than expected.

Hyungwon slowly turns around, eyes wide but slow. He nodded slightly at Changkyun while heading his way. 

-“Hey,” he said meekly while passing him by and walking straight up to his room upstairs.

Changkyun was standing perplexed for a while, he followed him.

-“Are you upset?” Changkyun asked while leaning against an open door, watching Hyungwon dry his hair. 

-“It depends,” the reply comes quietly.

-What do you mean?

Hyungwon raises his head, looking straight at Changkyun. 

-“You know, I’ve been meaning to tell you” he was saying carefully while approaching Changkyun, standing right next to him. “I don’t think I can keep it in anymore.”

Changkyun raised his eyebrow in confusion.

-Huh?

-It’s eating me up, I cannot.

-“Hold up, what’s wrong?” Changkyun is clueless.

Hyungwon sighs as he extends his hand to brush Changkyun’s hair off his eyes, tilting his chin up next.

-“I’ve become impatient, Changkyun,” Hyungwon says more quite than needed. “I thought you would come to terms with yourself or something,” he now whispers moving his thumb across Changkyun’s lips. 

Changkyun freezes, slipping a cog. Hyungwon doesn’t wait for a response and leans to kiss Changkyun who was so dumbfounded he forgot not only to respond to the kiss but also to close his eyes.

-“Hey” Hyungwon whispered “I was hoping to get some kind of response, you know?” he said smiling while pushing Changkyun’s nape towards himself.

Changkyun sighed in relief and tugged on Hyungwon’s tee with both of his hands, indulging in the kiss. Things escalated quickly and both of them were on Hyungwon’s bed, Hyungwon was in the middle of taking Changkyun’s shirt off impatiently when he heard a front door unlock and loud voice of Kihyun.  
Hyungwon sighed in disappointment, brushing his hair back, turning to look at Changkyun who was under him, face red and disoriented.

-“Yoo Kihyun,” he whispered while looking at Changkyun, “He always has the worst timing.”

Changkyun just nodded attentively looking at Hyungwon’s face.

-“What?” he asked smirking, “Is there something on my face?” and he gave a quick kiss afterward.

Hyungwon got off the bed, took a look at himself in the mirror and then motioned Changkyun by extending his hand, “Come, let’s get out of here.”

Changkyun jumped off the bed and took Hyungwon’s hand in his. He could see the guy smiling shyly as they were going downstairs. 

It was chaos, food was lying everywhere and Kihyun was nagging Wonho for whatever reason as both of them quickly passed them by and disappeared behind the front door. 

Kihyun wasn’t quick enough to react, but Changkyun heard Wonho whistling. He was confused. 

Hyungwon took a car, the ride was extremely quiet. None of them said a word. Changkyun had no idea where they were going. They’ve been driving for more than twenty minutes when he finally understood where they were heading: - Naksan Park. Hyungwon parked and they silently walked towards the peak of the view. As they stood on top, watching the whole city, Hyungwon broke the silence.

-So, umm

-“You like me,” Changkyun interrupted. 

-“Yeah,” as he looked Changkyun’s way.

-For how long?

-For a while now.

-Why didn’t you let me know?

Hyungwon sighed as he turned to enjoy the view.

-Let’s start with you, how long have you been liking me?

Changkyun scratched his head.

-“For a really long time,” he said embarrassingly. 

The words made Hyungwon laugh out loud.

-“Yeah, I know. Being subtle is not your thing” he said cheerfully “It was cute.”

-“UGH,” Changkyun groaned “Have some mercy…”

-“I was planning to reject you,” Hyungwon interrupted.

Changkyun’s palms started to sweat.

-“But it was in the beginning,” Hyungwon said deep in his thought. 

“People think I am dumb for better or worse but I am not that oblivious, I can tell when someone has hots for me,” he said turning to look at Changkyun who is avoiding his gaze. 

-“I am sorry I didn’t come clean back then, but you had no intentions to confess and now I am happy I didn’t do it.” Hyungwon breathed out. “But it was in the past, now I like you enough to risk it,” Hyungwon said carefully.

-“Risk it?” Changkyun was getting dumber every second.

-You do realize that the company is not very supportive of dating nowadays? Have you thought about members? Do you think all five of them will be supportive? I am damn sure at least one of us will feel troubled deep inside even though he will never say it out loud... I don’t want our harmony to shred into pieces. And god damn it, what if we do not work out? Do you realize how awkward it can be between us? Or worse? Can you imagine someone leaking the info without us being prepared or I don’t even know what the CEO will have to say about it…

Changkyun was frozen or dumbfounded or both. He grew his feelings for Hyungwon but he never thought outside the box of them. He only cared for what he was feeling and that where it ended. Hearing Hyungwon making points alarmed him. He was right, it went further than what he felt. He was a little disappointed in himself, knowing how long he was crushing on Hyungwon but never thinking the whole situation over.

Hyugnwon could see Changkyun getting more nervous every second. He turned to look at him and then slowly ran his long fingers on his neck, smiling shyly.

-Don’t worry, I will make sure we make it work.

He wanted to kiss Changkyun but instead nudged his cheek against his and tightly hugged, letting Changkyun hear his loud heartbeat. Changkyun swallowed. 

-“I won’t tolerate if you cheat on me,” came a muffled whisper from Changkyun.

Hyungwon was caressing Changkyun’s hair, the other guy tight to his chest.

-Cheating?

-“Yeah, you and Hoseok hyung have a weird relationship. It is weird.” He said while nudging himself even more into his chest, he would dig a hole and stay in there if it was an option.

To his surprise Hyungwon laughed, chest shaking.

-“So that’s what was one of my baby’s troubles? It’s not what you think, we will never see each other in that light. It’s…it’s just that he is better in portraying his both feelings and neediness for affection.” He said calmly, Changkyun knew he was smiling.

Changkyun was not sure whether it is Hyungwon’s perfume or it’s just that he feels extremely stupid. He didn’t think Hyungwon would ever return his feelings, let alone show his seriousness and now he has the nerve to make fun of his insecurities. He wants to hate it but it is in vain, there is one thing that creeps over him. To his surprise, it is not the overwhelming feeling of satisfaction but pure lust. At the end of the day, he is a guy and it is natural. But before he lets his mind go astray he raises his head and says

-“I forgot to tell you. I love you, Hyungwon.” He says shyly but doesn’t turn away when Hyungwon’s gaze falls on him.

Hyungwon smirks, biting his lip lightly.

-Yeah, I know and I am crazy about you.

He lets his hand trace his back and lands on Changkyun's ass, giving it a small slap on his butt.

~The End~


End file.
